By Connie Kaplan, RegainAmerica Staff Writer, August 31, 2008

Lana Mully and Jox Suldaur, Special Agents who work on the periphery of the FBI with so-called “XX” Files have passed along the following partial transcript from John McCain’s hotel suite. Recorded the night before John McCain announced his choice for a running mate, it reveals McCain and his closest advisors involved in an “XX” episode – to wit, the choosing of a candidate based on their possession of “XX” chromosomes (male chromosomes are “XY”).

McCain: Guys, I’m getting nervous. The Convention starts in two days. I need a VP, like fast.

Advisor #1: Not to worry. I got a list of names right here. Not only that, this list was generated through a Super Computer at the Central Bureau after codifying trillions of bits of all available data in all the Libraries of Congress.

McCain: Cool.

Advisor #2: However, the computer says that only XX candidates will ensure you a winning ticket.

McCain: “XX” meaning. . . .?

Advisor #2: Women. You gotta have a woman VP or you don’t stand a chance.

McCain: Wow.

Advisor #1: Okay. First name on the list is Hillary Clinton. And stop rolling your eyes, John.

McCain: Sorry. No way. Some interesting possibilities there, but ix nay on illary nay.  Next.

Advisor #1: Janet Reno.

McCain: Isn’t she a Democrat?

Advisor #2: Isn’t she a man?

(Laughter heard on tape)

Advisor #1: Says here the computer liked her brunette hair. The computer rates brunettes over blondes.

McCain: Don’t tell that to my wife. Who’s next.

Advisor #1: Actually your wife’s name was next. Even though she’s a blonde.

Advisor #2: Something to consider John. Cindy is a Republican. She’s a businesswoman. She knows how many homes you have. And when she puts on a bikini, she’s hot.

McCain: Yeah, yeah. But I don’t want to go down in history as the first President who routinely slept with his VP. C’mon guys, aren’t there any men at all I can consider? How ‘bout Romney?

Advisor #1: Your call John. Do you want to win this thing or not?

McCain: Okay. Who’s next?

(Murmuring heard on tape)

Advisor #2: Hmm, the next name here is Paris Hilton but, that’s probably problematic. . . .

McCain: Gee, you think?

Advisor #1: According to the computer, Paris Hilton is actually a pretty good match. She’s blonde, but she’s hot. She has a really cute dog for the PETA people. She’s got money. And her dad has already informally agreed to provide members of the Republican Party with free Hilton hotel stays for all conventions, junkets and Washington, D.C. call girl weekends while Paris is VP.

McCain: Well, that WOULD save us some major bucks if John Edwards, say, was a Republican, but I don’t know if I can justify Paris as a VP choice – especially since I’m 72 with my health issues. Gosh, guys, isn’t there anyone else on the list with a smidge or so of political experience?

Advisor #1: Actually the next name on the list is said to have some political experience. She’s, um,

(Murmuring heard on tape)

Advisor #1: Ah, here it is. Sarah Palin. She’s the governor of Alaska.

McCain: Governor? Of Alaska, you say. Hmmmm. Anything else?

Advisor #2: Before she was the governor, she was the mayor of her hometown in Alaska. Population 532.

Advisor #1: She likes to shoot moose. And she was in a beauty pageant about 20 years ago. In her Alaskan home town. She’s worked as a fisherman, er, woman, and she did a bit of TV reporting – also in her Alaskan home town.

Advisor #2: She’s married with five kids. The youngest was just born this year, and has Down’s syndrome. She knew about the Down’s syndrome, but had the baby anyway. And her kids have kicky names like “Track” and “Trig” and “Piper”.

Advisor #1: And she refers to herself as “just another hockey mom.”

McCain: It sounds good boys, but still, I keep thinking maybe I should appoint a VP with better credentials – my pal, Romney, for instance. You do remember, guys, that Mitt Romney showed promise and genius even as a young man, he obtained a perfect score on his SAT’s, attending Stanford University, and graduating from Brigham Young as valedictorian. After that, he graduated from a joint [1] Juris Doctor [2]/Master of Business Administration [3] program coordinated between Harvard Law School [4] and Harvard Business School [5]. He graduated cum laude [6] from the law school and was named a Baker Scholar [7] for graduating in the top five percent of his business school class. While he attended school he raised a family – he and his wife have five fine sons. And he is a former governor of Massachuetts! (Tape is silent for several minutes)

Advisor #2: But Romney isn’t a woman John. And Sarah's a governor too! And she’s a brunette. Wears glasses – looks kinda brainy.

Advisor #1: Yeah, John, you wanna win this thing or don’t you?

McCain: (Lets out a deep sigh). Okay, it’s a wrap. What’s her name again?

Advisor #2: Sarah Palin. McCain: Sarah, right. Okay, someone call her and let her know she’s on the ticket. Let’s arrange for a photo op. Maybe I should go to Alaska and we can eat mooseburgers. Meanwhile, I’m going to see if any of that roast beef is left over from dinner. I’m hungry.

(McCain is heard leaving the room)

Advisor #1: So that’s that. We ARE doing the right thing, aren’t we?

Advisor #2: Yeah, why?

Advisor #1: I dunno. John is 72 and he DOES have health issues. This Sarah gal, she will be the next in line. She's barely been out of the US. I mean, does she know anything about domestic policies? World economics? Foreign affairs?

Advisor#2: Hey, she knows how to shoot and gut a moose. Sometimes you just gotta work with what you got.

(End tape)